Today is Monday December 14, 2020. It is actually 8:55 pm. I usually do not write this late, but I wanted to document what happened before this episode becomes blurry. Earlier today, I got a call from Stanford. I debated whether or not I wanted to talk to whomever was on the other end of the phone. However, I made a promise to myself that when they came a calling, I would talk to them rather than ignore them (out of complete fear). It was in fact a woman from Stanford who needed some very important information about my Pace Maker. Before they can actually schedule an MRI for me, they first need to make sure that my Pacer is compatible with their machine. I told her that I am very afraid of needles and having this MRI. She reminded me that they are happy to give me general anesthesia so I won't panic during the procedure. Realistically, all I am going to do is simply lay still for an hour, but the thought of being in a tube scares me silly. I made the mistake of asking her about the procedure. What I should have prefaced it with is that I just want to make sure that I will be completely asleep and not remember anything. She started to talk about intubating my throat and that was it for me. I could feel the blood draining out of my head and I felt as though I was going to throw up from fear. I stopped her mid sentence as she was getting quite graphic and explained that I could not handle any more graphic information. She then told me that there are two types of patients. Some want to know everything about what will be done in graphic terms, while others just want to know that there will be empathetic people there to help them with their fears. She assured me that everyone will help me and that it is ok to be scared. She also said that when a patient claims they have no fear, that is when they start to worry.
We must have spoken for about 30 minutes, at which time she told me that someone from the surgical team would be calling me to set up the MRI appointment. Unfortunately for me, I was unable to let go of her intubating my throat comment. Sadly,I could not get it out of my head for the rest of the day. To complicate matters, I woke up late today, so my meds were off schedule for the entire day. I am also pretty sure that I missed my 5:30 pm dose of Rytary, because right around 7 pm, I began getting shaky and my anxiety started to increase. This was the second time within a few days that my anxiety was becoming an issue for me. By 8 pm, I was in full shut down mode and very very scared (I have no idea what I was actually scared of). I had been pacing around my house for about ten minutes in an attempt to try and slow down my breathing. At this point, I felt horrible and doomed. I ended up taking an anti anxiety tablet. It took about thirty minutes to take effect. In the meantime, I got into bed with my three dogs and watched tv. I wrapped the blankets tightly around myself to help me feel grounded again. I am not sure why I am having these panic attacks. This one could have also been caused by the fact that I missed a dose of Rytary (which is never a good idea).
In the meantime it is now Tuesday December 15, 2020. The time is 12:50 pm and I am once again feeling great! I know I need to email my Dr. and let him know about these panic attacks and see what he might suggest to help me. The DBS is going to change my life in so many positive ways. I am trying to hold on to that thought when I get panicky. Easier said than done.